Vipers Joke Page

CATs

2007-10-25T00:20:00.000-07:00

The House Cat

The HipHop Cat

The Metal Cats

The Stevie Wonder Cat

The Stoner Rock Cat

The Techno Cat

The iCat

President Bush

2007-10-16T09:57:00.002-07:00

George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his
talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and George
asks him what his name is.
"Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions:
First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the support of theUN?;
Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?;
and Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "Okay where were we? Oh that's right -
question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and asks him
what his name is.
"Steve."
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions:
First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the support of the UN?;
Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?;
Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?;
Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?;
and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"

Men are happy people

2007-10-16T09:57:00.001-07:00

Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a
water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is
just too icky
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood -- all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Indians

2007-10-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

An Indian walks into a Jo'burg bank and asks to see the loan officer.
He says he is going to India on holiday for two weeks and wants to
borrow
R10,000. The bank officer says the bank
will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man handed
over the keys of his new BMW M3 parked on the street in front of the
bank.
Everything is checked out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral
for the loan. An
employee drives the BMW into the bank's underground garage and parks
it there. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the R10,000
and the interest, which comes to R15.41. The loan
officer says,
"We are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us
is why would you bother to borrow R10,000?"
The Indian replied,
"Where else in Jo'burg can I park my car safely for two weeks and pay
only R15.41?

Indians will always be Indians......., Smart

Husband and Wife

2007-10-16T09:56:00.002-07:00

      The Secrets of a Happy Marriage

      My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
      Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
      some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

      We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in
      Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

      I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
      "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.. So I suggested
      the kitchen.

      We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

      She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
      maker Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit
      down!". So I bought her an electric chair.

      Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt
her.

      The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?".... I
      said, "Dust!"


      Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.

GOOD ONE

2007-10-16T09:56:00.001-07:00

A South African Local Pastor dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly
Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt,
leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I
may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Sipho Mlangeni, Taxi driver, from Soweto, South Africa,
boss."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right
Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton
robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he
gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," explains Saint Peter. "While you
preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Gatiep & Maraai

2007-10-16T09:56:00.000-07:00

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Gatiep and his
wife, Meraai listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men:
"For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favourite flower?"

Gatiep leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

"Self-Raising, ne?"

Friday trivia

2007-10-16T09:55:00.001-07:00

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Disorder in the Court

2007-10-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

      These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things
      people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
      published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm
      while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are
      excellent, don't miss the last one.

      Q: Are you sexually active?
      A: No, I just lie there

      ----------------------------------------------
      Q: What is your date of birth?
      A: July 15th.
      Q: What year?
      A: Every year.

      ---------------------------------------------------
      Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
      A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

      -------------------------------------------------

      Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
      A: Yes.
      Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
      A: I forget.
      Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
      forgotten?

      _______ _______________________________

      Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
      A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
      Q: How long has he lived with you?
      A: Forty-five years.
      _______________________________________

      Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
      That morning?
      A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
      Q: And why did that upset you?
      A: My name is Susan.
      ________________________________________

      Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
      the occult?
      A: We both do.
      Q: Voodoo?
      A: We do.
      Q: You do?
      A: Yes, voodoo.
      _________________________________________

      Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
      doesn't know about it until the next morning?
      _________________________________________

      Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
      __________________________________________

      Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
      __________________________________________

      Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
      A: Yes.
      Q: And what were you doing at that time?
      ________________________________________

      Q: She had three children, right?
      A: Yes.
      Q: How many were boys?
      A: None.
      Q: Were there any girls?

      ______________________________________

      Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
      A: By death.
      Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
      ________________________________________

      Q: Can you describe the individual?
      A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
      Q: Was this a male, or a female?
      ____________________________________________

      Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
      notice which I sent to your attorney?
      A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
      __________________________________________

      Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
      A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
      ___________________________________________

      Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
      A: Oral.
      __________________________________________

      Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
      A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
      Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
      A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
      autopsy.
      __________________________________________

      Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
      __________________________________________

      Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
      pulse?
      A: No.
      Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
      A: No.
      Q: Did you check for breathing?
      A: No.
      Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
      the autopsy?
      A: No.
      Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
      A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
      Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
      A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
      law somewhere.

DEAR JOHN...

2007-10-16T09:54:00.002-07:00

The ultimate response to a "Dear John" letter .....

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had
slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up
with him. AND, she wanted the pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around
to all his buddies and collected as many of the unwanted photos Of women
he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes
and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send
the rest back."

consultants

2007-10-16T09:54:00.001-07:00

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization....

Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the
waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed
alittle strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out
water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then Ilooked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in
theirpockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why
the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical
analysis,they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped
utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons
per tableper hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that
contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save
15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon, and he was able to replace it
with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather
impressed.

I also noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the
waiter'sfly. Looking around, I saw that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me, and
before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me
why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as
observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can
save time in the restroom."

"How so?" "See," he continued," by tying this string to the tip of your
you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and
that way eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about
the others, but I use the spoon."

Childrens thoughts

2007-10-16T09:54:00.000-07:00

Childrens thoughts A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were
actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first
graders... "6" year-olds,because the last one is classic!

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ...........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

No news is..................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.............................me.

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is............................not much.

Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.................. you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

Better late than............................pregnant!!!

Cab driver

2007-10-16T09:53:00.001-07:00

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the pavement, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap
would scare you so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for
the last
25 years."

A True South African Friendship

2007-10-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

"Hello, is this the SAP?"
"e-Yes. What you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding
dagga inside his firewood."
"E-Yes...Thank you for your co-opershun and informashun in combating crime
and violence, in our society sir."
The next day, the SAP descend on Hendrik's house. They search the braai
lapa where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of
wood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
The phone rings at Hendrik's house. "Hey, Hendrik! Did the SAP come?"
"Ja!"
"Did they chop your firewood for the braai tonight?"
"...Ja...."
"Happy Birthday Boet!"

911 Calls...

2007-10-16T09:52:00.001-07:00

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency? > - Caller: I heard what
sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house > on the corner. > -
Dispatcher: Do you have an address? > - Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and
slacks, why? >

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency? > - Caller: Someone broke
into my house and took a bite out of my ham and > cheese sandwich. > -
Dispatcher: Excuse me? > - Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left
it on the kitchen > table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone
had taken a bite > out of it. > - Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? > -
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired > of
it. >

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one > - Caller: Hi, is this the police? > - Dispatcher:
This is 911. Do you need police assistance? > - Caller: Well, I don't know
who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a > turkey? I've never cooked one
before. >

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency? > - Caller: Fire, I guess. > -
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir? > - Caller: I was wondering.....does the
Fire Dept. put snow chains on > their trucks? > - Dispatcher: Yes sir, do
you have an emergency? > - Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying
to put these chains > on my tires and....well.... do you think the Fire
Dept. could come over > and help me? > - Dispatcher: Help you what? > -
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car! >

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency? > - Caller:
I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an > eleven on it.
> - Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. > - Caller: I thought you just said it
was nine-one-one > - Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are
the same > thing. > - Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. >

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency? > - Caller: My
wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes > apart. > -
Dispatcher: Is this her first child? > - Caller: No, you idiot! This is her
husband >

And the winner is.......... > - Dispatcher: Nine-one-one > - Caller: Yeah,
I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. > Darn...I think I'm
going to pass out. > - Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? > -
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn...... > - Dispatcher:
Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? > - Caller: No > -
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble >
breathing? > - Caller: Running from the police. >

Why men die first....

2007-10-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the ratrace...you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework...you're gay.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing lazy pr**k.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favouritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't....................you're an insensitive bast**d.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.

If SHE asks you.........it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.

If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape...........you're sexist.

If you don't...............you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.

If you don't ...........you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.

If you don't .................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of sh*t.

If you're not ....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.

If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.

If you don't................there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to.

Today's Jokes !

2007-10-16T09:51:00.001-07:00

With four daughters and one son always dashing to
school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule
was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of
household supplies. I instructed them all to let
me know when they used the last of any item by
writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.
As a reminder, I wrote at the top:
"IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my
delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU
MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT
OF IT.'"

Quick Wit:

I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes,
because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that
I'm not blonde. --Dolly Parton

Funny Thoughts:

"[In pro football], if the Jaguars are known as 'Jags'
and the Buccaneers as 'Bucs,' what should the Titans
shorthand be?" -- TMQ

Thought for the day

2007-10-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

"Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

The Physics of Santa Claus

2007-10-16T09:50:00.001-07:00

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimnye, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking aabout .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 punds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (refer to point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal load, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entereing the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per SECOND, EACH! In short, hey will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousanths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead by now.

Santa's Rebuttal
NORTH POLE, SANTA'S VILLAGE - For Immediate Release

It has come to the attention of Santa's workshop that there have been disparaging remarks made in the press recently about Santa's very existence. Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish, so-called study.

As was admitted by the skeptics, there is only a very small probability of finding a flying reindeer. That is precisely because they are all located at the Workshop. Your very argument against Santa is proof of his existence! As is widely known (Re: the excellent historical documentaries "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer") the flying reindeer are not a separate species, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns, which is passed on in their offspring.

A series of cascading assumptions have been relied upon to show the "impossibility" of delivering all presents in one Christmas. For example, there was assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or NYC/SOHO, or other yuppie neighborhoods, have less than the average (and don't forget the DINK/SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while the Catholic (the predominant Christian denomination) families with 10 children would skew that derived 15% of homes down a few percent.

You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. Let us assure you that anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids? Still other single-child homes are notorious for spoiled "naughty" children and average 55% delivery on a good year. Let's drop that number of homes down a few more percent.

A simple history lesson reminds us that, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome, prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern "Orthodox" Churches do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is, as a result, several days after that of the Western Churches'. Thus, Santa's schedule is not as tight as previously indicated.

Santa does indeed FedEx a number of packages ahead of time, since he is not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower- controlled areas near airports. He's certainly not into dodging SCUD missiles over the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he uses DHL there. Subtract some more homes.

In regards to speed and time, we can't reveal all the details, but let us remind you of basic relativity theory: The faster you go, the slower time progresses. Do you think StarTrek came up with the idea of warp drive? So, if Santa could go faster than light, then he can easily visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk. (Has anyone thought of ice cubes?)

Aha, you say, Enterprise has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast? The answer is right before your skeptical eyes! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc., that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate or get crushed because of this energy; they accelerate! What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry shield generator arrays.

The issue of weight constraints and delivery methods also shows a shocking lack of knowledge of basic matter/energy relations and beginning quantum physics. (Picture a two dimensional complex function mapped to the surface of a sphere with approximately 9000 nodal surfaces, and 18 million regions of relatively high amplitude.) Assuming this is getting way ahead of most people's conceptual limits, we'll just say that Captain Kirk wasn't the first to say "beam me down." Transporters, replicators, and holo-projections have been standard equipment in some workshops and certain aerospace vehicle way before the 24th century.

If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock. NORAD (one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in it's name and therefore more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and displays radar shots of him approaching from the North Pole. They haven't bombarded him yet, so they must believe too, right?

We certainly hope this clears up any damage caused by the bad press. Santa dead, indeed--some people will twist any statistic model to "prove" their cynical theory.

Sunbathing

2007-10-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend almost
all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing
suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see
her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she
was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind
you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing
a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."

Spietkop ...

2007-10-16T09:49:00.001-07:00

A spietkop pulls off a blonde in one of those new smart Ford's. "Marrem, can
I see your drivers liscence please" says the spietkop. "What is a drivers
liscence?" queries the blonde. "It's dat little square fing" explained the
spietkop, "wif a picture of you on it!! " The blonde scratches through her
handbag and comes across a square make-up box, opens it, looks in the
mirror, closes it and hands it over to the spietkop. He opens it, looks in
the mirror, hands it back to her and says, "It's OK, Marrem, you can go...I
daren't realise you is also a spietkop!"

South Africa the last couple of weeks

2007-10-16T09:49:00.000-07:00

You know you're in a South African summer when.....

*The best parking place is determined by shade
instead of distance.
*Hot water now comes out of both taps.
*You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty
good branding iron.
*The temperature drops below 35 degrees and you
feel a little chilly.
*You discover that in February it only takes 2
fingers to steer your
car.
*You develop a fear of metal car door handles.
*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at
06:30am
*Your biggest bicycle-accident fear is, "What if I
get knocked out and
end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

*You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.
*Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to
keep them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.
*The cows are giving evaporated milk.
*The trees are whistling for the dogs.

She was sooo blonde

2007-10-16T09:48:00.003-07:00

She was Soooooooo Blonde . .
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote
"Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it

   She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"
she
turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
Goes
In Front."

Rearrange the letters

2007-10-16T09:48:00.002-07:00

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

Quote of the day

2007-10-16T09:48:00.001-07:00

If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.

Race Horse

2007-10-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies. Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name Of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied and apologises. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" Your horse phoned.

Questions to Ponder

2007-10-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes outta it's ass."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

Why does your gynae leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

STOP SINGING AND CARRY ON READING. . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Parenting

2007-10-16T09:46:00.001-07:00

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with
each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is
different from having your first.

Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up
the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you
can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with
some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need
it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins (my favourite one)
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin
to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!!

Our Blood is Green

2007-10-16T09:46:00.000-07:00

A little girl was sitting in her classroom in Australia when her teacher
walked in and started talking about how proud she is to be an Australian
and how wonderful it is to be a Wallaby supporter.

The teacher then asked everyone who supported the Wallabies to put up there
hand. Every hand in the class besides one went up. This surprised the
teacher and so she asked the little girl why her hand wasn't up.

"Well," said the little girl "because I don't support the Wallabies."

Even more surprised the teacher asked her who she supported. "I support
the Springboks" she replied

Now a bit irritated, the teacher asked the little girl why she supported
the Springboks. "My mom supports the Springboks and my dad supports the
Springboks, so I support the Springboks."

The teacher looked at the little girl and with a smirk asked: "Well, if
your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?"

The little girl looked up at her teacher, smiled and replied: "A Wallaby
supporter."

Old age...

2007-10-15T14:09:00.002-07:00

An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled
down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding
anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they
hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved,
"I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls
out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it
up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband
says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and
hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of
an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell
us the story from the beginning."

The old man says "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday....

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

Oh Please

2007-10-15T14:09:00.001-07:00

Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the
night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, oh, yes, that's fine.
Husband: From now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Never Underestimate The Intelligence Of A Woman

2007-10-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died,
he
said to his wife,

"Now listen, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in
the
casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready
to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the
casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that
money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I
promised
him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. " 'I wrote him a cheque."

Living in 2003

2007-10-15T14:08:00.002-07:00

You know you're livin in 2003 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get
an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.

...and the real clinchers are...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends".

15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more,

except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually rolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.

Life after death

2007-10-15T14:08:00.001-07:00

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Certainly not! There's no proof of it." the clerk replied.

"Well there is now," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Lateral Thinking

2007-10-15T14:08:00.000-07:00

A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene,
but
the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says,
"I
can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How can this be?
*********************************************
2.A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, lumper, gloves &
balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps
off.

A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages
to
stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
*********************************************
3.Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
(This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can
be
solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very
well-known software company as an interview question for prospective
employees)
********************************************
4. A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left
early.
Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of
poisoning. Why did the man not die?
*********************************************

5. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water.
The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank
you' and walks out.

(This puzzle claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its
statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying
solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like
the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it
out.)

.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Scroll down for answers

SOLUTIONS

    1. The surgeon was his mother.

    2. It was day time.

    3. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal
of
the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for
safety and
practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

    4. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank
the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the
punch.

    5. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and
drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the
hiccups-so the man no longer needed the water

Italian Logic

2007-10-15T14:07:00.002-07:00

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people
ina
Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5
persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are
therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over -
want
to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with 2
guys
in a Uno.

IQ test

2007-10-15T14:07:00.001-07:00

Want to test your IQ? Try this question:

There is a mute (doof-stom persoon) who wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses
himself to the Shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer.

Interesting!

2007-10-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

History...
Some useless but true facts about England in the 1500's

a.. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly
bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odor.

b.. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of
the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
sons and men, then the women and finally the children -- last of all the
babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone
in it hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

c.. Houses had thatched roofs -- thick straw, piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice rats, and bugs) lived in
the roof. When it rained it became slippery, and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof; hence the saying, "It's raining cats
and dogs."

d.. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts
and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how
canopy beds came into existence.

e.. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than
dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that
would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh - the
straw left over after threshing grain - on the floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more and more thresh
until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. To
prevent this, a piece of wood was placed in the entranceway hence, a
"thresh hold."

f.. They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung
over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had
been there for quite a while, -- hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot,
peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

g.. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show
off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit
around and "chew the fat."

h.. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the
next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

i.. Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a
piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers
were made from stale pays and bread which was so old and hard that they
could use them for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a
lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After
eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

j.. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top,
the "upper crust."

k.. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination
would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
would wake up -- hence, the custom of holding a "wake."

l.. England is old and small and they started running out of places
to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to
a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one
out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and
they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they
would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to
listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth.

Who said that History was boring?

How to put in that little bit extra...

2007-10-15T14:06:00.001-07:00

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to
give over
100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula! that might help you answer
these
questions:
What makes up 100% in life?   ....................

If   A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

are represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

                                         But,

                                         A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4 5 = 100%

                                         And,

                                         B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far 'ass kissing' will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bullsh1t and Ass kissing will put you over the top !

help me please!

2007-10-15T14:06:00.000-07:00

Hi there, how are you. Whassup!

Anyway I got a big favour to ask of you,please it's really important and
extremely urgent.

Could u fax/e-mail me Ur photo very, very urgently?

Mind u - it's really very urgent, damn serious and very important.

We playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.

Happy

2007-10-15T14:05:00.001-07:00

Happiest fairy tail ever.

Man asks woman to marry him, woman says no.
Man lives happily ever after.

Dark in here

2007-10-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The
boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a cricket ball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover
are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a cricket bat.."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your bat and ball.
Let's go outside and play some cricket." The boy says, "I can't. I sold
them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,
"£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again!"

Court Ruling

2007-10-15T14:04:00.003-07:00

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the
boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge
suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they
beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to
choose
who should have custody of him. Custody was granted to the Springbok
rugby team this morning
as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

Confucius says

2007-10-15T14:04:00.002-07:00

Confucius say...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucius say...
Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his work.

Confucius say...
Man who run in front of car get tyred

Confucius say...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say...
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion..

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say...
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Confucius say...
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Confucius say...
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!

Confucius say...
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!

Confucius say...
Girl who lives in glass house should change in basement.

Confucius say...
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Confucius say...
Chemist who fall in acid get absorbed in work.

Confucius say...
Girl how make love on tomb may soon become mummy.

Confucius say...
Man who eat cookies in bed, will wake up feeling crumby.

Confucius say...
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Confucius say...
Man who get hit by car, get that run down feeling.

Confucius say...
Man who has woman on ground has piece on earth!

Confucius say...Man who sit on hot stove will rise again.

brain pills

2007-10-15T14:04:00.001-07:00

A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his
hand.
The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied "They are brain
pills...they make you smart."

The bartender says excitedly, "Give me one." He snatches one from the drunks
hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he comes back
over to the drunk and says he doesn't feel any smarter.

"You probably didn't take enough." So the bartender quickly gulps down
another
one.
Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he looks at
with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. "Why, this is nothing
but
sheep manure!"

"See," says the drunk, "you're getting smarter already."

BMW

2007-10-15T14:03:00.002-07:00

A lady walks into a Car dealership. She browses around,then spots the
perfect car - a BMW 320d and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel
the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she
looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and
hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, there
standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you
today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are
going to kak when you hear the price!"

blonde horseback riding

2007-10-15T14:03:00.001-07:00

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror she grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, she gives up her frail grasp and attempts to leap away from the
horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Shadrack, the Pick
'n Pay security guard sees her, leans over, and unplugs the horse.

BE CAREFULL WHERE YOU START YOUR CONVERSATIONS

2007-10-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but,

I don't know what got into me. I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So, what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking that this is way too bizarre so

I say, "Uhhh... I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over to your place after while?"

Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over, so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back,

there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

Anthrax scare in Auz...

2007-10-15T14:02:00.002-07:00

Springbok rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a =
player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the =
practice field. Head coach Strauli immediately suspended practice while
=
police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a =
complete analysis, Scotland Yard forensic experts determined that the =
white substance unknown to players was the try line. Practice was =
resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter
=
the substance again. (SAPA)

Albert

2007-10-15T14:02:00.001-07:00

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first
person he sees and asks,
"What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand
Unification
Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?"
To which the lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current
affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the
man
answers, "51."
Albert responds, "Hoe gaan dit met die Bulle" ?

A Dinner Conversation That Went Wrong

2007-10-15T14:02:00.000-07:00

A Dinner Conversation That Went Wrong

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."=20
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Sh!t."

Statue of Athena Joke

2007-10-12T17:00:00.001-07:00

During a museum tour, the guide explains, “Here you can see the beautiful statue of Athena…”
“Excuse me, madam,” the old professor interjects. “Who is that man behind her? Is he her husband?”
“No, Athena wasn’t married,” said the tour guide. “She was the goddess of wisdom.”

The mailbox Joke

2007-10-12T17:00:00.000-07:00

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, “Is something wrong?” “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying “You’ve Got Mail.”

Terrible Curse Joke

2007-10-12T16:59:00.000-07:00

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it.
“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said.
“It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”
“What’s the curse?” the man asked.
“Mr. Klopman.”

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

2007-10-12T16:56:00.000-07:00

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Animal & Insect Pool Party

2007-10-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

Animal & Insect Pool Party

Being a hot summers day, the animal & insect community came together and
decided to have a pool party. Everything was going fine, until all of a
sudden Ant (seeming very
upset) started marching up and down along the pool.

Eventually he stopped, pointed at hippo and demanded "Hippo! Get out of the
pool!"
Hippo, stunned by the anger in Ant's voice, got out of the pool. Ant looked
at hippo and said "Get back into the pool". Hippo did this, not sure how to
react.

Ant turned and walked on, only to stop and pointing at Rhinoceros demanded
"Rhino!
Get out of the pool!" Rhino did what Ant demanded and once out, Ant looked
at him and said "Get back into the pool". Rhinoceros did this, looking
confused.

Ant turned and walked on, only to stop once more, but this time in front of
Elephant. He pointed at Elephant and demanded in an extremely angry tone
"Elephant!
Get out of the
pool!" Elephant looked at Ant and got out. Ant glared at him and said "Get
back into the pool". Elephant did this and looked at Fish, shrugging his
shoulders.

Fish went over to Ant and asked "Ant, whay are you so upset?" Ant, totally
angry, put his hands on his hips and said, "Somebody stole my speedo !!"

Superbowl Tickets

2007-10-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

Superbowl Tickets

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his

company.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the

seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is

closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty

seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides

to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around

the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,

"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob

again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who

in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl

and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was

supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the

first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married

in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you

find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

TOP TEN HE SAID SHE SAID...!!

2007-10-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

1) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in
it.
She said...You wear pants, don't you?

2) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

3) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you really badly.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

4) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

5) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere.."
Written just below it: "I do not."

6) He said... "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart. "

7) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late
husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

8) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave

you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

9) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.

10) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

Children's answers to science questions

2007-10-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

Although we're used to kids' answers to straight questions, these are quite
amusing.

Children's answers to science questions

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get Intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I,
O and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Disorder in the Court

2007-10-09T14:02:00.000-07:00

From: These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that
I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive never the less? A: Yes, it
is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your
wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honour. I'll try to send her a few bucks
myself."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Tired of Male Bashing?

2007-10-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to
interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God
created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God
nor
Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all
said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.

YOU MAKE ME....

2007-10-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to
grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came
to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened
in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from
nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my
naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my
body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while
you sucked me dry.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I
searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last
night's events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to
forget you.

tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... as soon you appear I
will quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you with all my
strength so you won't disappear. Won't rest until l squeeze your
blood out..... you f# mosquito!

2 Canadian Guys

2007-10-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

The Letter:

2007-10-09T13:30:00.001-07:00

The Letter:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. I $imply can''t think of anything I
need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.

Love, Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are
eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget
that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you
can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

Why Teachers go grey...

2007-10-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

Why Teachers go grey...

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
STUDENT: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn''t have 10
years ago.
WILLY: Me!!

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
STUDENT: No, I''m Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
STUDENT: I get up early.

TEACHER: Didn''t you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn''t I promise to punish you if you didn''t?
STUDENT: Yes Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don''t expect you to keep
yours.

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
STUDENT: Well, I''m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn''t do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn''t do my homework.

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
STUDENT: The one that says, "School Ahead, Slow Children crossing."

TEACHER: I hope I didn''t see you looking at Don''s paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn''t either.

GARY: I don''t think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it''s the lowest mark I can give you.

MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Well, at least there''s one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What''s that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn''t be cheating.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can''t fool me, teacher....snakes don''t have feet!

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
STUDENT: Don''t bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is....
TEACHER: No, Ellen, Always say "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet".

TEACHER: Max, use "defeat", "defense", and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before
detail.

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER: (sadly) You don''t know your arithmetic.
VINCENT: (sadly) You don''t know my father.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,
what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!!

BOY: Isn''t the principal a dummy!
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
BOY: No.
GIRL: I''m the principal''s daughter.
BOY: And do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY: Thank Goodness!!

Latest on WTC!!! owie!!

2007-10-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

Seems this suburban guy left for work on Sept. 11 at about 6:00AM to go to
his office in the WTC. When he got to Manhattan he went to his lover's
apartment in the Village, turned his cell phone off, and thought of spending
some good time with her. At about 10:00AM, while still at her place, he
turned his cell phone on, and a second later it rang. He answered, and it
was his wife who screamed at him, "Where are you? I've been trying to call
you for an hour. I've been worried sick about you!!!"

So he answered, "Where do you think I am? I'm in my office!!!"

Finger Licking Good!

2007-10-09T13:27:00.000-07:00

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who immediately comes over to her.

When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full
beard, "Are you the manager?" she asks softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no ..." the bartender replies.

"Can you get him for me?" she asks, "I need to speak with him," she says running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is, I need you to give him a message" she continued huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to gently suck them.

"What should I tell him?" he manages to say while not missing a finger.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room"

Marriage

2007-10-09T13:26:00.000-07:00

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets
the more interested he is in her.

Agatha Christie
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

Oscar Wilde
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't marry for money;
you can borrow it cheaper.

Scottish Proverb
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years.

Sam Kinison
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your
wife will give you for free.

Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be
married too.

H. L. Mencken
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.

H. L. Mencken
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing:
either the car is new or the wife is.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Gas??

2007-10-09T13:24:00.000-07:00

A priest was talking to a nun, and he saw that her belly was getting
bigger, and he made a comment about it. She replied to
him that it wasjust a little gas.

A couple months later, he ran into her again. This
time, her belly was really big. She just patted her
belly and said, "Just a little gas."

Two months went by, and he came across the nun again,
and she was pushing a baby carriage.
The priest bent down and looked into
the carriage and said,
"Cute little fart, isn't he?"

So true!!!!!!

2007-10-09T13:21:00.000-07:00

A good answer for all those irritating emails that one receive!!!!

I was on my way to the Post Office to pick up my case of free Nokia
3210
--
sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people,
because they want to market WAP technology -- when I ran into a
friend whose neighbor was home recovering from having been served a
rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

That, of course, was predictable because everybody with e-mail knows
there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why
the government made them change their name to KFC.
Anyway, this guy went to sleep one day and when he awoke he was in
his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when
he got out of the tub he realized that his kidneys had been stolen.
He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911," but he was afraid
to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there
was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he
opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he was a computer programmer
himself and was working on software to prevent a global disaster in
which all the computers get together and distribute the $250
Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.

It's true. I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from Bill Gates
himself, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and
$5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.

Anyways, the poor man tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report
his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to
press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the
phone line at the guy's expense. Then, reaching into the
coin-return slot, he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle, The
needle was wrapped in a note that said, "Welcome to the world of
AIDS."

Luckily, he was only a few blocks from a hospital -- the one where
that little boy who is dying of cancer is, You know, the boy whose
last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the
American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every
e-mail he receives.

I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in
the shape of an angel. If you get it and forward it to more than 10
people, you will have good luck, but if you forward it to fewer than
10 people you will have bad luck for seven years.

So, anyway, the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but
on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To
be helpful, he flashed his lights at that car and he was promptly
shot because that is a gang initiation.

If you forward that information to all your friends, you will
receive four green M&Ms. If you don't, the owner of Proctor and
Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have
more bad luck -- you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate
in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using
the antiperspirant that clogs the pores under your arms, and the
government will put a tax on your e-mail forever.

I know all of this is true because I read it on the Internet.

25 Tips on Johannesburg Driving Ethics

2007-10-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

25 Tips on Johannesburg Driving Ethics

1. Turn signals will give away your next move - a real Johannesburg driver
never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the
car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space, putting you in
an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with
the flow."

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of
getting hit.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The
other guy doesn''t have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your
ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
For those of you without ABS, it''s a chance to stretch legs.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are
apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour
traffic in Johannesburg.

9. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tire.

10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially BMW and 4WD
drivers.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Johannesburg is the home of High-Speed Slalom
Driving thanks to the Department of Roadworks, which puts potholes in key
locations to test drivers'' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in Johannesburg to honk your horn at cars that don''t move
the instant the light changes.

13. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before
proceeding.

15. Remember that the goal of every Johannesburg driver is to get there first,
by whatever means necessary.

16. Real Johannesburg women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup
at 75kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

17. Real Johannesburg men drivers can remove pantyhose and bra''s at 75 kph in
bumper-to-bumper traffic.

18. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed
rules. These weather conditions are God''s way of ensuring a natural selection
process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

19. There is a common held belief in Johannesburg that high speed tailgating in
heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the
slipstream of the car in front.

20. It''s OK to cut off fully loaded trucks, semi-trailers, road trains and
buses because they have brakes.

21. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of his
passengers. Hence, no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always
find a detour around Louis Botha Avenue, Jan Smuts, and the Jo''burg CBD.

22. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.

23. It''s O.K when driving in Johannesburg''s South Eastern suburbs to air our
grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming
out "a#hole". But it is imperative that you drive at least a 5 litre V8 with
fur on the dash and a crow bar in your lap.

24. Remember that the person behind you in the on / off ramp has the right of
way.

25. Johannesburg drivers are able to drive whilst juggling a cigarette, a drink
and a cell ''phone.

Hey, Nice Tie

2007-10-09T12:51:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
"Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.

"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
"It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts."

2007-10-07T23:40:00.001-07:00

A man looked over his fence to see the little girl next door crying and filling in a large hole that she had dug in the ground. "What are you doing?" asked the man.

"My goldfish died," sniffled the girl, "and I'm buying him in our backyard."

"Sorry to hear that," said the man. "But why do you need such a big hole for a little fish?"

"Because he's inside your stupid cat!"

Another Woolies service!?

2007-10-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

WOOLLIES

One day, in a queue at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to
do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs R20.00 ...a lot quicker than a
doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Woolies. He deposits R20.00, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in
two weeks."

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits
R20.00 , pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1 ^st floor).
5. If you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies

[Viper2110] How to sell toothbrushes

2006-01-24T00:14:00.000-08:00

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, and then give a talk
on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand.
I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like s--t!" Then I
would say, "It is s--t.
Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

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Stupid questions with the smart answers

2006-01-12T05:32:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone

I will be adding some new jokes to my page in the next week or so. I
have included one of the jokes below.
I have also updated my website with a new look. There are still some
broken links on the site and I will fix it soon. Let me know what you
think of the new look.
Please remember to keep on sending those jokes.
Jokes can be e-mailed ( http://viper2110.za.net/contact_me.htm ) to me
or added in the forum ( http://www.keyser.co.za/forum1/ ).

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes
out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called
current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated.
The others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at
the same time."

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Stupid questions with the smart answers

2006-01-10T04:35:00.000-08:00