tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-200598472024-03-14T03:34:34.245-07:00Vipers Joke PageAn colletion of funny e-mail received over the years.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger79125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-67920110760960868502007-10-25T00:20:00.000-07:002007-10-25T00:22:11.085-07:00CATs<DIV><FONT face=Tahoma size=2><BR></FONT> </DIV> <DIV dir=ltr align=left><FONT face=Garamond><SPAN lang=EN-AU style="FONT-FAMILY: Garamond"><SPAN class=007584813-04082006><FONT face=Arial color=#0000ff size=2> </FONT></SPAN>The House Cat</SPAN></FONT><SPAN lang=EN-AU> <BR><IMG id=_x0000_i1027 height=280 src="image001.gif" width=280><BR> <BR></SPAN><FONT face=Garamond><SPAN lang=EN-AU style="FONT-FAMILY: Garamond">The HipHop Cat</SPAN></FONT><SPAN lang=EN-AU> <BR><A href="http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/index.php?list=1&page=1" target=_self><SPAN style="TEXT-DECORATION: none"><IMG id=_x0000_i1028 height=280 src="image002.gif" width=280 border=0></SPAN></A><BR> <BR></SPAN><FONT face=Garamond><SPAN lang=EN-AU style="FONT-FAMILY: Garamond">The Metal Cats</SPAN></FONT><SPAN lang=EN-AU> <BR><A href="http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/index.php?list=1&page=1" target=_self><SPAN style="TEXT-DECORATION: none"><IMG id=_x0000_i1029 height=280 src="image003.gif" width=280 border=0></SPAN></A><BR> <BR></SPAN><FONT face=Garamond><SPAN lang=EN-AU style="FONT-FAMILY: Garamond">The Stevie Wonder Cat</SPAN></FONT><SPAN lang=EN-AU> <BR><A href="http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/index.php?list=1&page=1" target=_self><SPAN style="TEXT-DECORATION: none"><IMG id=_x0000_i1030 height=280 src="image004.gif" width=280 border=0></SPAN></A><BR> <BR></SPAN><FONT face=Garamond><SPAN lang=EN-AU style="FONT-FAMILY: Garamond">The Stoner Rock Cat</SPAN></FONT><SPAN lang=EN-AU> <BR><A href="http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/index.php?list=1&page=1" target=_self><SPAN style="TEXT-DECORATION: none"><IMG id=_x0000_i1031 height=280 src="image005.gif" width=280 border=0></SPAN></A><BR> <BR></SPAN><FONT face=Garamond><SPAN lang=EN-AU style="FONT-FAMILY: Garamond">The Techno Cat</SPAN></FONT><SPAN lang=EN-AU> <BR><A href="http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/index.php?list=1&page=1" target=_self><SPAN style="TEXT-DECORATION: none"><IMG id=_x0000_i1032 height=280 src="image006.gif" width=280 border=0></SPAN></A><BR> <BR></SPAN><FONT face=Garamond><SPAN lang=EN-AU style="FONT-FAMILY: Garamond">The iCat</SPAN></FONT><SPAN lang=EN-AU> <BR><A href="http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/index.php?list=1&page=1" target=_self><SPAN style="TEXT-DECORATION: none"><IMG id=_x0000_i1033 height=280 src="image007.gif" width=280 border=0></SPAN></A><A href="http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/index.php?id=175" target=_self></A> <o:p></o:p></SPAN></DIV> <DIV class=Section1> <DIV> <DIV class=MsoNormal style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"> <HR align=center width="100%" SIZE=2> </SPAN></FONT></DIV></DIV> <P> </P></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-39261854778526799742007-10-16T09:57:00.002-07:002007-10-16T09:58:35.172-07:00President Bush<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3>George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his<BR>talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and George<BR>asks him what his name is.<BR>"Billy."<BR>"And what is your question, Billy?"<BR> "I have three questions:<BR> First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the support of theUN?;<BR>Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?;<BR>and Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"<BR>Just then the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the kiddies that<BR>they will continue after recess.<BR> When they resume George says, "Okay where were we? Oh that's right -<BR>question time. Who has a question?"<BR> A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and asks him<BR>what his name is.<BR> "Steve."<BR> "And what is your question, Steve?"<BR> "I have five questions:<BR> First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the support of the UN?;<BR>Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?;<BR>Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?;<BR> Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?;<BR>and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-87218315835701752672007-10-16T09:57:00.001-07:002007-10-16T09:58:21.121-07:00Men are happy people<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3>Your last name stays put<BR>The garage is all yours.<BR>Wedding plans take care of themselves.<BR>Chocolate is just another snack.<BR>You can be president.<BR>You can never be pregnant<BR>You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a<BR>water park.<BR>Car mechanics tell you the truth.<BR>The world is your urinal.<BR>You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is<BR>just too icky<BR>You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.<BR>Same work, more pay.<BR>Wrinkles add character.<BR>Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.<BR>People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.<BR>The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.<BR>New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.<BR>One mood -- all the time.<BR>Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.<BR>You know stuff about tanks.<BR>A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.<BR>You can open all your own jars.<BR>You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.<BR>If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.<BR>Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.<BR>Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.<BR>You almost never have strap problems in public.<BR>You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.<BR>Everything on your face stays its original color.<BR>The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.<BR>You only have to shave your face and neck.<BR>You can play with toys all your life.<BR>Your belly usually hides your big hips.<BR>One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.<BR>You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.<BR>You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.<BR>You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.<BR>You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.<BR><BR>No wonder men are happier!</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-54824041358946203922007-10-16T09:57:00.000-07:002007-10-16T09:58:04.473-07:00Indians<DIV>An Indian walks into a Jo'burg bank and asks to see the loan officer.<BR>He says he is going to India on holiday for two weeks and wants to<BR>borrow<BR>R10,000. The bank officer says the bank<BR>will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man handed<BR>over the keys of his new BMW M3 parked on the street in front of the<BR>bank.<BR>Everything is checked out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as<BR>collateral<BR>for the loan. An<BR>employee drives the BMW into the bank's underground garage and parks<BR>it there. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the R10,000<BR>and the interest, which comes to R15.41. The loan<BR>officer says,<BR>"We are very happy to have had your business,<BR>and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little<BR>puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and<BR>found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us<BR>is why would you bother to borrow R10,000?"<BR>The Indian replied,<BR>"Where else in Jo'burg can I park my car safely for two weeks and pay<BR>only R15.41?<BR><BR>Indians will always be Indians......., Smart </DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-46847676343610268242007-10-16T09:56:00.002-07:002007-10-16T09:57:39.600-07:00Husband and Wife<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2> <P> The Secrets of a Happy Marriage<BR><BR> My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:<BR> Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,<BR> some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.<BR><BR><BR> We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in<BR> Melbourne.</P> <P><BR> I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.</P> <P><BR> I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.<BR> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.. So I suggested<BR> the kitchen.<BR><BR><BR> We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.</P> <P><BR> She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread<BR> maker Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit<BR> down!". So I bought her an electric chair.<BR><BR><BR> Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.</P> <P><BR> Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.</P> <P><BR> I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.</P> <P><BR> I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt<BR> her.</P> <P><BR> The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?".... I<BR> said, "Dust!"<BR> <BR><BR> Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.<BR></P></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-46028702156920158672007-10-16T09:56:00.001-07:002007-10-16T09:57:21.176-07:00GOOD ONE<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt">A South African Local Pastor dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly<BR>Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt,<BR>leather jacket and jeans. <BR> <BR>Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I<BR>may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?" <BR> <BR>The guy replies, "I'm Sipho Mlangeni, Taxi driver, from Soweto, South Africa,<BR>boss." <BR><BR>Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,<BR>"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." <BR> <BR>Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right<BR>Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." <BR>Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton <BR>robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." <BR>"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he<BR>gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" <BR>"Up here, we work by results," explains Saint Peter. "While you<BR>preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."<BR></SPAN></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-26516772614360414752007-10-16T09:56:00.000-07:002007-10-16T09:57:01.955-07:00Gatiep & Maraai<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3>While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Gatiep and his<BR>wife, Meraai listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that<BR>husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."<BR><BR>He addressed the men:<BR>"For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favourite flower?"<BR><BR>Gatiep leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,<BR><BR>"Self-Raising, ne?"</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-20290502468152220412007-10-16T09:55:00.001-07:002007-10-16T09:56:41.711-07:00Friday trivia<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3>Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in<BR>waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the<BR>frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses<BR>and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed<BR>ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-19230058981481631722007-10-16T09:55:00.000-07:002007-10-16T09:56:24.356-07:00Disorder in the Court<DIV><BR> These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things<BR> people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now<BR> published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm<BR> while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are<BR> excellent, don't miss the last one.<BR><BR> Q: Are you sexually active?<BR> A: No, I just lie there<BR><BR> ----------------------------------------------<BR> Q: What is your date of birth?<BR> A: July 15th.<BR> Q: What year?<BR> A: Every year.<BR><BR> ---------------------------------------------------<BR> Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?<BR> A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.<BR><BR> -------------------------------------------------<BR><BR> Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?<BR> A: Yes.<BR> Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?<BR> A: I forget.<BR> Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've<BR> forgotten?<BR><BR> _______ _______________________________<BR><BR> Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?<BR> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.<BR> Q: How long has he lived with you?<BR> A: Forty-five years.<BR> _______________________________________<BR><BR> Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up<BR> That morning?<BR> A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"<BR> Q: And why did that upset you?<BR> A: My name is Susan.<BR> ________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or<BR> the occult?<BR> A: We both do.<BR> Q: Voodoo?<BR> A: We do.<BR> Q: You do?<BR> A: Yes, voodoo.<BR> _________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he<BR> doesn't know about it until the next morning?<BR> _________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?<BR> __________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?<BR> __________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?<BR> A: Yes.<BR> Q: And what were you doing at that time?<BR> ________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: She had three children, right?<BR> A: Yes.<BR> Q: How many were boys?<BR> A: None.<BR> Q: Were there any girls?<BR><BR> ______________________________________<BR><BR> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?<BR> A: By death.<BR> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?<BR> ________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: Can you describe the individual?<BR> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.<BR> Q: Was this a male, or a female?<BR> ____________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition<BR> notice which I sent to your attorney?<BR> A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.<BR> __________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?<BR> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.<BR> ___________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?<BR> A: Oral.<BR> __________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?<BR> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.<BR> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?<BR> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an<BR> autopsy.<BR> __________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?<BR> __________________________________________<BR><BR> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a<BR> pulse?<BR> A: No.<BR> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?<BR> A: No.<BR> Q: Did you check for breathing?<BR> A: No.<BR> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began<BR> the autopsy?<BR> A: No.<BR> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?<BR> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.<BR> Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?<BR> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing<BR> law somewhere.</DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-31910085306702069812007-10-16T09:54:00.002-07:002007-10-16T09:55:43.572-07:00DEAR JOHN...<DIV>The ultimate response to a "Dear John" letter .....<BR><BR>A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a<BR>letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had<BR>slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up<BR>with him. AND, she wanted the pictures of herself back.<BR><BR>So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around<BR>to all his buddies and collected as many of the unwanted photos Of women<BR>he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes<BR>and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:<BR><BR>"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send<BR>the rest back."</DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-3107530628240115962007-10-16T09:54:00.001-07:002007-10-16T09:55:25.305-07:00consultants<DIV>A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an<BR>organization....<BR><BR>Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the<BR>waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed<BR>alittle strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out<BR>water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.<BR>Then Ilooked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in<BR>theirpockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why<BR>the spoon?"<BR><BR>"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to<BR>revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical<BR>analysis,they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped<BR>utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons<BR>per tableper hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that<BR>contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save<BR>15 man-hours per shift."<BR><BR>As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon, and he was able to replace it<BR>with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen<BR>instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather<BR>impressed.<BR><BR>I also noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the<BR>waiter'sfly. Looking around, I saw that all the waiters had the same<BR>string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me, and<BR>before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me<BR>why you have that string right there?"<BR><BR>"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as<BR>observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can<BR>save time in the restroom."<BR><BR>"How so?" "See," he continued," by tying this string to the tip of your<BR>you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and<BR>that way eliminate the need to wash our hands,<BR>shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."<BR><BR>"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"<BR><BR>"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about<BR>the others, but I use the spoon." </DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-9377394009808958972007-10-16T09:54:00.000-07:002007-10-16T09:55:01.556-07:00Childrens thoughts<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3>Childrens thoughts A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were<BR>actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first<BR>graders... "6" year-olds,because the last one is classic!<BR><BR>Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.<BR><BR>Strike while the ...........................bug is close.<BR><BR>It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.<BR><BR>Never underestimate the power of............termites.<BR><BR>You can lead a horse to water but...........how?<BR><BR>Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.<BR><BR>No news is..................................impossible.<BR><BR>A miss is as good as a......................Mr.<BR><BR>You can't teach an old dog new..............math.<BR><BR>If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.<BR><BR>Love all, trust.............................me.<BR><BR>The pen is mightier than the................pigs.<BR><BR>An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.<BR><BR>Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.<BR><BR>Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.<BR><BR>A penny saved is............................not much.<BR><BR>Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.<BR><BR>Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.<BR><BR>Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.................. you have to blow your nose.<BR><BR>There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.<BR><BR>Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.<BR><BR>If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.<BR><BR>You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.<BR><BR>When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.<BR><BR>Better late than............................pregnant!!!</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-20510850722270402592007-10-16T09:53:00.001-07:002007-10-16T09:54:38.230-07:00Cab driver<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3>A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.<BR>The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on<BR>the pavement, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.<BR>For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,<BR>"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"<BR>The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap<BR>would scare you so much.<BR>The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. <BR>Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for<BR>the last<BR> 25 years."</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-21677592449630135532007-10-16T09:53:00.000-07:002007-10-16T09:54:08.127-07:00A True South African Friendship<DIV>"Hello, is this the SAP?"<BR>"e-Yes. What you want?"<BR>"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding<BR>dagga inside his firewood."<BR>"E-Yes...Thank you for your co-opershun and informashun in combating crime<BR>and violence, in our society sir."<BR>The next day, the SAP descend on Hendrik's house. They search the braai<BR>lapa where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of<BR>wood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.<BR>The phone rings at Hendrik's house. "Hey, Hendrik! Did the SAP come?"<BR> "Ja!"<BR> "Did they chop your firewood for the braai tonight?"<BR> "...Ja...."<BR> "Happy Birthday Boet!"</DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-86085043133629047192007-10-16T09:52:00.001-07:002007-10-16T09:53:38.193-07:00911 Calls...<DIV>Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency? > - Caller: I heard what<BR>sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house > on the corner. > -<BR>Dispatcher: Do you have an address? > - Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and<BR>slacks, why? ><BR><BR>Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency? > - Caller: Someone broke<BR>into my house and took a bite out of my ham and > cheese sandwich. > -<BR>Dispatcher: Excuse me? > - Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left<BR>it on the kitchen > table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone<BR>had taken a bite > out of it. > - Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? > -<BR>Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired > of<BR>it. ><BR><BR>Dispatcher: Nine-one-one > - Caller: Hi, is this the police? > - Dispatcher:<BR>This is 911. Do you need police assistance? > - Caller: Well, I don't know<BR>who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a > turkey? I've never cooked one<BR>before. ><BR><BR>Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency? > - Caller: Fire, I guess. > -<BR>Dispatcher: How can I help you sir? > - Caller: I was wondering.....does the<BR>Fire Dept. put snow chains on > their trucks? > - Dispatcher: Yes sir, do<BR>you have an emergency? > - Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying<BR>to put these chains > on my tires and....well.... do you think the Fire<BR>Dept. could come over > and help me? > - Dispatcher: Help you what? > -<BR>Caller: Help me get these chains on my car! ><BR><BR>Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency? > - Caller:<BR>I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an > eleven on it.<BR>> - Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. > - Caller: I thought you just said it<BR>was nine-one-one > - Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are<BR>the same > thing. > - Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. ><BR><BR>Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency? > - Caller: My<BR>wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes > apart. > -<BR>Dispatcher: Is this her first child? > - Caller: No, you idiot! This is her<BR>husband ><BR><BR>And the winner is.......... > - Dispatcher: Nine-one-one > - Caller: Yeah,<BR>I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. > Darn...I think I'm<BR>going to pass out. > - Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? > -<BR>Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn...... > - Dispatcher:<BR>Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? > - Caller: No > -<BR>Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble ><BR>breathing? > - Caller: Running from the police. ></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-86387748885766694552007-10-16T09:52:00.000-07:002007-10-16T09:53:12.942-07:00Why men die first....<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2> <P>If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the ratrace...you're a male chauvinist.</P> <P> If you stay home and do the housework...you're gay. </P> <P>If you work too hard...there's never any time for her. </P> <P>If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing lazy pr**k. </P> <P>If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation. </P> <P>If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy ass and find something better.</P> <P>If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favouritism. </P> <P>If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity. </P> <P>If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment. </P> <P>If you keep quiet ..........it's male indifference. </P> <P>If you cry............you're a wimp.<BR>If you don't....................you're an insensitive bast**d. </P> <P>If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.</P> <P>If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman. </P> <P>If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination. </P> <P>If SHE asks you.........it's a favour. </P> <P>If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert. </P> <P>If you don't..............you're gay. </P> <P>If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape...........you're sexist. </P> <P>If you don't...............you're unromantic. </P> <P>If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain. </P> <P>If you don't ...........you're a slob. </P> <P>If you buy her flowers.............you're after something. </P> <P>If you don't .................you're not thoughtful. </P> <P>If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of sh*t. </P> <P>If you're not ....................you're not ambitious. </P> <P>If she has a headache............she's tired. </P> <P>If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore. </P> <P>If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.</P> <P><BR>If you don't................there must be someone else.<BR><BR><BR>Men die first because they want to.</P></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-74336983029004988762007-10-16T09:51:00.001-07:002007-10-16T09:52:42.625-07:00Today's Jokes !<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3>With four daughters and one son always dashing to<BR>school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule<BR>was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of<BR>household supplies. I instructed them all to let<BR>me know when they used the last of any item by<BR>writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.<BR>As a reminder, I wrote at the top:<BR>"IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."<BR><BR>When I checked the pad a few days later, to my<BR>delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU<BR>MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT<BR>OF IT.'"<BR><BR>Quick Wit:<BR><BR>I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes,<BR>because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that<BR>I'm not blonde. --Dolly Parton<BR><BR><BR>Funny Thoughts:<BR><BR>"[In pro football], if the Jaguars are known as 'Jags'<BR>and the Buccaneers as 'Bucs,' what should the Titans<BR>shorthand be?" -- TMQ </FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-34263788632511243842007-10-16T09:51:00.000-07:002007-10-16T09:52:22.759-07:00Thought for the day<SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt">"Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."</SPAN>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-4514162101204618092007-10-16T09:50:00.001-07:002007-10-16T09:51:48.553-07:00The Physics of Santa Claus<DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, and assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimnye, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking aabout .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 punds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (refer to point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal load, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entereing the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per SECOND, EACH! In short, hey will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousanths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead by now.</FONT></DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial></FONT> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial></FONT> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial></FONT> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial></FONT> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial></FONT> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial></FONT> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial><STRONG>Santa's Rebuttal <BR></STRONG>NORTH POLE, SANTA'S VILLAGE - For Immediate Release </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>It has come to the attention of Santa's workshop that there have been disparaging remarks made in the press recently about Santa's very existence. Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish, so-called study. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>As was admitted by the skeptics, there is only a very small probability of finding a flying reindeer. That is precisely because they are all located at the Workshop. Your very argument against Santa is proof of his existence! As is widely known (Re: the excellent historical documentaries "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer") the flying reindeer are not a separate species, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns, which is passed on in their offspring. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>A series of cascading assumptions have been relied upon to show the "impossibility" of delivering all presents in one Christmas. For example, there was assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or NYC/SOHO, or other yuppie neighborhoods, have less than the average (and don't forget the DINK/SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while the Catholic (the predominant Christian denomination) families with 10 children would skew that derived 15% of homes down a few percent. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. Let us assure you that anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids? Still other single-child homes are notorious for spoiled "naughty" children and average 55% delivery on a good year. Let's drop that number of homes down a few more percent. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>A simple history lesson reminds us that, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome, prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern "Orthodox" Churches do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is, as a result, several days after that of the Western Churches'. Thus, Santa's schedule is not as tight as previously indicated. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>Santa does indeed FedEx a number of packages ahead of time, since he is not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower- controlled areas near airports. He's certainly not into dodging SCUD missiles over the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he uses DHL there. Subtract some more homes. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>In regards to speed and time, we can't reveal all the details, but let us remind you of basic relativity theory: The faster you go, the slower time progresses. Do you think StarTrek came up with the idea of warp drive? So, if Santa could go faster than light, then he can easily visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk. (Has anyone thought of ice cubes?) </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>Aha, you say, Enterprise has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast? The answer is right before your skeptical eyes! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc., that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate or get crushed because of this energy; they accelerate! What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry shield generator arrays. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>The issue of weight constraints and delivery methods also shows a shocking lack of knowledge of basic matter/energy relations and beginning quantum physics. (Picture a two dimensional complex function mapped to the surface of a sphere with approximately 9000 nodal surfaces, and 18 million regions of relatively high amplitude.) Assuming this is getting way ahead of most people's conceptual limits, we'll just say that Captain Kirk wasn't the first to say "beam me down." Transporters, replicators, and holo-projections have been standard equipment in some workshops and certain aerospace vehicle way before the 24th century. </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock. NORAD (one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in it's name and therefore more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and displays radar shots of him approaching from the North Pole. They haven't bombarded him yet, so they must believe too, right? </FONT></DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV><FONT face=Arial>We certainly hope this clears up any damage caused by the bad press. Santa dead, indeed--some people will twist any statistic model to "prove" their cynical theory.</FONT></DIV></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-86594280823890793632007-10-16T09:50:00.000-07:002007-10-16T09:51:03.328-07:00Sunbathing<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3>A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend almost<BR>all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing<BR>suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see<BR>her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.<BR><BR>She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she<BR>was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.<BR><BR>"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of<BR>the hotel,<BR>out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind<BR>you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing<BR>a bathing suit as you did yesterday."<BR><BR>"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one<BR>can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."<BR><BR>"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the<BR>dining room skylight."</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-16846197398265523202007-10-16T09:49:00.001-07:002007-10-16T09:50:42.541-07:00Spietkop ...<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3>A spietkop pulls off a blonde in one of those new smart Ford's. "Marrem, can<BR>I see your drivers liscence please" says the spietkop. "What is a drivers<BR>liscence?" queries the blonde. "It's dat little square fing" explained the<BR>spietkop, "wif a picture of you on it!! " The blonde scratches through her<BR>handbag and comes across a square make-up box, opens it, looks in the<BR>mirror, closes it and hands it over to the spietkop. He opens it, looks in<BR>the mirror, hands it back to her and says, "It's OK, Marrem, you can go...I<BR>daren't realise you is also a spietkop!"</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-59990100417959184142007-10-16T09:49:00.000-07:002007-10-16T09:50:19.416-07:00South Africa the last couple of weeks<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3>You know you're in a South African summer when.....<BR><BR>*The best parking place is determined by shade<BR> instead of distance.<BR>*Hot water now comes out of both taps.<BR>*You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty<BR> good branding iron.<BR>*The temperature drops below 35 degrees and you<BR> feel a little chilly.<BR>*You discover that in February it only takes 2<BR> fingers to steer your<BR> car.<BR>*You develop a fear of metal car door handles.<BR>*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at<BR> 06:30am<BR>*Your biggest bicycle-accident fear is, "What if I<BR> get knocked out and<BR> end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"<BR><BR>*You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.<BR>*Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to<BR> keep them from laying<BR> hard-boiled eggs.<BR>*The cows are giving evaporated milk.<BR>*The trees are whistling for the dogs.</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-70140976250042861722007-10-16T09:48:00.003-07:002007-10-16T09:49:57.429-07:00She was sooo blonde<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2> <P>She was Soooooooo Blonde . .<BR>* She thought General Motors was in the army.<BR>* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.<BR>* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote<BR>"Sagittarius."<BR> <BR>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...<BR>* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.<BR>* She sent a fax with a stamp on it<BR><BR> She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...<BR>* She tripped over a cordless phone.<BR>* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said<BR>"Concentrate."<BR>* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."<BR> <BR>She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...<BR>* She studied for a blood test.<BR>* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.<BR>* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"<BR>she<BR>turned around and went home.<BR> <BR>She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...<BR>* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she<BR>moved.<BR>* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.<BR>* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.<BR>* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This<BR>Goes<BR>In Front."<BR></P></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-16135061606237402862007-10-16T09:48:00.002-07:002007-10-16T09:49:27.133-07:00Rearrange the letters<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3>Someone out there either has too much<BR>spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.<BR><BR><BR><BR><BR>DORMITORY:<BR>When you rearrange the letters:<BR>DIRTY ROOM<BR><BR>PRESBYTERIAN:<BR>When you rearrange the letters:<BR>BEST IN PRAYER<BR><BR> DESPERATION:<BR>When you rearrange the letters:<BR>A ROPE ENDS IT<BR><BR>GEORGE BUSH:<BR>When you rearrange the letters:<BR>HE BUGS GORE<BR><BR> THE MORSE CODE:<BR>When you rearrange the letters:<BR>HERE COME DOTS<BR><BR> SLOT MACHINES:<BR>When you rearrange the letters:<BR>CASH LOST IN ME<BR><BR><BR>ANIMOSITY:<BR>When you rearrange the letters:<BR>IS NO AMITY<BR><BR><BR>MOTHER-IN-LAW:<BR>When you rearrange the letters:<BR>WOMAN HITLER<BR><BR> SNOOZE ALARMS:<BR>When you rearrange the letters:<BR>ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S<BR><BR><BR>A DECIMAL POINT:<BR>When you rearrange the letters:<BR>IM A DOT IN PLACE<BR><BR>THE EARTHQUAKES:<BR>When you rearrange the letters:<BR>THAT QUEER SHAKE<BR><BR><BR>ELEVEN PLUS TWO:<BR>When you rearrange the letters:<BR>TWELVE PLUS ONE<BR><BR>AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:<BR><BR><BR>PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:<BR>When you rearrange the letters<BR>(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):<BR>TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS<BR><BR> Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay<BR>too much time on their hands!</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20059847.post-16460764698042301692007-10-16T09:48:00.001-07:002007-10-16T09:49:07.496-07:00Quote of the day<DIV><FONT face=Arial size=2>If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.</FONT></DIV>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0